A God Kind Of Love
I remember sitting there as a little girl on the floor of my bedroom playing with my dolls. Playing school was what I seemed to enjoy the most. I would have all my dolls lined up and my chalkboard out. Each doll would be given a paper with grades on them. Some would fail and others would pass with flying colors. I also remember the days I would stand looking out my bedroom window. There were two windows and I would look to see if any kids were outside playing. I had a brother and a sister, but they were older than I was so I spent a lot of time by myself. I did play with my neighbors children a few houses down from where I lived. They were all boys. So, I did do a lot of boy things like making mud pies or playing with worms and of course playing video games. I was more of a spectator though. I would sit and watch them play.
I remember a lot of times of just feeling alone. My parents were not big communicators. So, we never expressed our feelings. A lot of our emotions were kept inside. I remember the holidays also being lonely. We would spend time with family but it seemed cold, just because we did not talk about what bothered us. To be honest, I don’t think the family never really wanted to listen to what the kids had to say anyway. I never felt I had someone to be able to speak to and communicate with. As I got older I found communication and trying to express myself quite difficult. However, I was the one friend that others would come to and want to talk to to solve their problems. I was a good listener. Never though, was there someone for me to “spill the beans” with.
Learning healthy boundaries were never taught and because of that I lived with a lot of shame and guilt. I was never taught how to express emotions so I ended up getting hurt quite a bit. I never learned the word “NO” to set in a boundary between myself and others. Lack of communication can hurt in so many ways and when you try to express yourself some people take it the wrong way. I had to learn a different way. Much to my surprise being judged was one of the ways, especially by family. They never knew me for who I was. To be honest, I did not know who I was either until I came to the Lord.
As years went by I learned how to communicate, but most importantly to the Lord. I learned how to express my emotions and hurts to him. Believe me there was much I had to let out, but he was there to listen. Always there to listen! To my surprise, I later learned he was there through some of the most difficult seasons of my life growing up. I did not know he was even there until he made it clear to me later on.
One time, while I was in high school I came down with mono and strep throat. I was so tired and I had no idea what was wrong with me, just that I slept for hours and hours. I wasn’t serving the Lord at that time, however, while I was in bed, I felt someone put a blanket over me. I literally felt the warmth come over me. I had asked my mom if she had done it and she had said, “ no, maybe it was God”. So I left it at that. Years later, as I was sitting with the Lord, crying out to him, I heard him say to me, “ I was the one that put that blanket over you”. He was my comfort. That was when I learned that Jesus was there with me. He was there to comfort me, care for me and to love me because that was not what I believed as a child. As I had mentioned, I felt very a lone. To be honest, I did not feel loved and because of that lack of love I went looking for it in all the wrong places. Later, I learned that Jesus had to be my source of love. The real love that I was desiring since I was a little girl.
Unfortunately, I had to go though some horrific ordeals to find that love I needed and craved, but I did find it. I found it and I will never let it go. He really made his love known to me. All these things that I had gone through, I as able to teach and communicate to my children what I felt I lacked. They deserve to know what love is and what love is supposed to be. Also, how to express their emotions in a healthy way. Let's teach children what love is all about so that they in turn can love others with a God kind of love.